Guesses on How Many Times Chris Rock is Gonna Get Bleeped?

Mmmmm….Mustard.

Yeah, I know I was gonna do the televisionwithoutpity thing but that’s been pushed back a week or so for me to bring you: MY OSCAR PREVIEW!!!

Ok, a few notes prior to getting into this: as of today I’ve only seen 3 of the 5 best picture nominees (Sideways, Ray, Million Dollar Baby). I’m planning on seeing The Aviator this weekend before Sunday night. I’m going to miss out on Finding Neverland but let’s face it, even though I’ve heard it’s a very good movie, it’s not gonna win best picture. But for the most part with the individual award below I’ll have to go with what I’ve seen because c’mon, it’d be damn near impossible to see every single movie tied to every single award nomination. Anyways, here we go, in no particular order:

Actor in a Leading Role: Jamie Foxx wins this one easily. The man was fantastic in Ray. Most of the time I tend to not go with the heavy favorite but in this case, give it to him. He might get some competition from DiCaprio but I don’t see any upset in this one. Cheadle is one of the best actors working today and he’ll definitely be back here again. He just needs his breakout role. Depp too. Both these guys will have loads of noms in the future. Eastwood was good but won’t take down Foxx. Paul Giamatti should’ve been in here. He wouldn’t have won, but he was fantastic in Sideways. Also Jim Carrey, best work of his career and he gets nothing for Eternal Sunshine.

Actor in a Supporting Role: Foxx won’t take this as he’s getting the best actor. Clive Owen doesn’t have the momentum to take this. Alan Alda could pull it in but I’ve yet to see his performance. Morgan Freeman could take this and he did do a very good job but honestly, it’s not his best role ever. If he wins it’ll be the Denzel award of the night where he wins in acknowledgement of his past excellent roles (ie Denzel Washington winning for Training Day was really him winning for past roles he got passed by on). Of those I’ve seen I give it to Thomas Haden Church for his excellent performance as the jackass groom-to-be in Sideways.

Actress in a Leading Role: Ok, I never saw Vera Drake but I did hear Imelda Staunton was excellent. I just don’t think it was a big enough movie for her to take it. Annette Bening is the same thing. Catalina Sandino Moreno put in a strong performance in Maria Full of Grace but it was a small foreign language indie flick so she won’t get it. I’m split now on Hilary Swank and Kate Winslet. Both performances were excellent. But I think I’ll go with Winslet on this one as Swank has all the momentum and I think she’ll probably win. But Winslet deserves some recognition for her outstanding performance in a totally under-appreciated film (oooh, foreshadowing).

Actress in a Supporting Role: Only one I’ve seen is Virginia Madsen who was good and I wouldn’t pitch a fit if she won. Natalie Portman in Closer could be a good bet (and with her year, she deserves it. She was amazing in Garden State, the super-under-appreciated film). The other three I’ve heard good things and honestly, this category is completely wide open to who will win. So what the hell, I’ll say Portman for her whole body of work this year (who knew that if it’s not a Star Wars movie, she’s an amazing actress).

Animated Feature Film: The Incredibles, no contest. Shrek 2 was hilarious and a great movie but it’s gonna be dated within 5 to 10 years. Let’s face it, my kids won’t get half the jokes. Incredibles is timeless and I’d love it to win just to stick it to Disney saying, you’re letting Pixar go? Seriously? Shark Tale… what the hell is that doing being nominated. What about some foreign animated movies? Ghost in the Machine 2: Innocence from Japan is supposed to be fantastic.

Art Direction: Haven’t seen a one. So from the trailers I’ll go with Phantom or Lemony Snicket. This is art design, not best movie so it doesn’t matter if the movie wasn’t good with this. Pretty boring category though, don’t see anything eye popping in there.

Cinematography: Again, haven’t seen these though I’m going to give it to House of Flying Daggers. It’s by the same guy who did Hero and from everything I’ve seen it’s every bit as gorgeously shot as that movie was. If Hero hadn’t technically been eligible last year, I guarantee it’d be in this year.

Costume Design: Um, I saw Ray and Troy. Neither of those jumped out at me in the way of costuming. I honestly can’t really say on this one so I’ll give it to Troy if only cause I’d laugh my ass off if that movie actually won an Oscar.

Directing: Honestly, I didn’t really see anything super amazing from MDB, Ray or Sideways, and Vera Drake won’t, so what the hell, give it to Marty. He’s earned it by now. If not both Eastwood or Payne could take it.

Documentary: No idea, but it’ll probably go to Super Size Me.

Documentary Short Subject: ….

Film Editing: I’ll give this one to Million Dollar Baby. The training/fight scenes were cut very well and the stand alone conversation shots were left the perfect length.

Foreign Language: Don’t know, but I see the Sea Inside winning. Lots of buzz.

Makeup: Ok, you’re going to laugh at me but I’m upset with category. No real creativity whatsoever. You want to honestly know what should’ve been nominated? Hellboy. I know, I know, sounds ridiculous. But let’s face it, the makeup on it was terrific, especially in this day and age where everything is just CGI. But that’s the problem with this category. The best makeup jobs done are never any movies that Academy members see. Passion of the Christ? For what, blood and dirt? Lemony Snicket… ok, for Jim Carrey’s nose. But what else? I have no idea about the Sea Inside. So I say nothing for this category.

Music (score): I’m amazed Million Dollar Baby wasn’t nominated. Not because it necessarily deserves it but more because such a big deal was made over Eastwood scoring it himself. I don’t know with this one. Harry Potter was good but it was mostly variations of the first 2 movies. Village wasn’t anything special. I guess of the two I’ve seen I’ll go with Harry Potter. (What about the Incredibles score?)

Music (Song): Only know Accidentally in Love which is good enough for me as it’s the best work Counting Crows has done in a long time and wasn’t just tacked on to the ending credits of the movie like most other songs in this category.

Skipping the two shorts film categories cause I have no clue…

Sound Editing: Didn’t see Polar Express so it’s between Incredibles and Spider-man 2. Spider-man 2 was a great movie, one of the best superhero films of all time, but I didn’t really notice the sound all that much so this one goes to the Incredibles.

Sound Mixing: I give this one to the Incredibles again. To be fair, it is a lot easier to notice sound in animated movies when you know that it’s not real life sounds you’re hearing but rather has to be completely artificial ones inserted into the movie.

Visual Effects: This one I give to Spider-man 2 where the effects were much better than the first one. Harry Potter was also good but not as good. To repeat a past rant: where the hell was Sky Captain in this? It was a revolutionary technique, looked amazing, and yet gets nothing cause it wasn’t a box office smash hit.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay): This category is a little hard because I always feel like I should’ve read the book from which it’s adapted to compare but in terms of actual screenplay I’ll go with Sideways from the two I’ve seen. Though to be honest I’d love if Richard Linklater, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy won for Before Sunset. Linklater (Slacker, Dazed and Confused, Before Sunrise, Waking Life, School of Rock) has done some amazing work and I think it’s time he gets recognized for it.

Writing (Original Screenplay): Ok, you know that Garden State rant you were waiting for? Here it is: Where in the blue hell is Garden State in this category. Think I’m way off base? Go to the Writer’s Guild Awards site. You’ll notice it was nominated. Hmmm… the Writer’s Guild, who probably know about such things, nominated it and the Academy doesn’t. What a shock. I know it’s not gonna hit a best pic nom. And I know it’s not feasible in the minds of the academy to give any acting noms to it (though from what I heard Portman was actually better in Garden State than in Closer for which she was nominated). But come on, it was a fantastic screenplay, with sharp, witting and poignant writing. A little help here. And the thing is, I don’t even think it should’ve won. My pick here is Eternal Sunshine because this category is for Original Screenplay and they don’t get much more original than Eternal Sunshine. But the nomination should’ve been there. This, along with the Sky Captain gip, are my two biggest issues with the Oscar noms this year.

Ok, here it is: Best Picture

Honestly, Ray doesn’t deserve to be in here. Jamie Foxx was amazing, the cast was amazing, the movie was good. Good movies don’t get Best Picture. Eternal Sunshine should’ve been in here (yes, I think Garden State could’ve but wouldn’t have. Eternal Sunshine did have a chance. It was just released way way way too early to be a contender. The academy has a short memory). Finding Neverland I didn’t see but it’s a tack on nom. They needed a 5^th non-controversial pick to throw in and that’s how this got here. The Aviator can’t say yet, but I don’t see this as being my pick. Too big budget and obvious for my taste. So that comes down to Million Dollar Baby and Sideways. I wouldn’t be upset with either of these two winning. But I’m going with Sideways. Million Dollar Baby was very well done in almost every aspect but honestly, I just didn’t enjoy it as much as Sideways. Sideways maybe a “comedy” but it’s a pretty dark comedy. One man who’s so terrified of accepting the fact that he’s not a young crazy Hollywood movie star that he goes around bragging about his commercial voiceovers and cheating on his fiancée during his bachelor party/trip. The other who is terrified of failure both past (his last marriage) and future (his book) that he’s turned to alcoholism and uses an extensive knowledge of wine to mask it. I thought the movie was fantastic and completely not the standard Hollywood movie. There’s no tightly wrapped up conclusion. Jack ends up married but his friendship with Miles has been completely shaken, and he hasn’t seemingly learned anything from his experience. He fakes a car crash to explain his injuries to his fiancée. How long can he keep that up? Miles, on the other hand, may have accepted that maybe it is enough to find happiness with Maya instead of the wine bottle (though him drinking the good wine at the fast food restaurant isn’t necessarily the best sign) but the movie ends before he confronts her again. Life isn’t always wrapped up in a nice neat little bow. I like movies who actually understand that. Give the statue to Sideways.

Alright, wow this was a long post. Anyways, we’ll see how my picks do come Sunday. Until faithful readers:

“Half my life is over and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I'm a thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper. I'm a smudge of excrement on a tissue surging out to sea with a million tons of raw sewage.”
”See? Right there. Just what you just said. That is beautiful. 'A smudge of excrement... surging out to sea.'“
”Yeah.“
”I could never write that.“
” Neither could I, actually. I think it's Bukowsky.”

Bring on the Imperialistic Condiments

Yes it’s true, the Mustard has finally returned. After some time off which let’s face it, wasn’t really time off as I spent all weekend moving and this week trying to put away all the massive amounts of random crap I didn’t even know I had. But I found some time to update the blog quickly. Seeing as how I still don’t have my internet connection up it might be a little while before things get legitimately back to normal.

Yes, I know, I’ve let the strip go for the past two weeks. Don’t worry; by next Monday I’m going to have a big update. It’ll be worth the wait, trust me. But it takes time to make that thing and that’s something I’ve most definitely been lacking as of late.

So the new apartment is looking good, much like the old one but with a few subtle differences (no bay window which is fine seeing as how I couldn’t see out the old one to begin with due to a big ol’ tree and the new place is on the first floor which I can’t tell you how thankful I was for that. My back hurt enough after moving everything without having to go up stairs with the heavy TV). I’m slowly getting everything back up and running.

The NHL cancelled its season… and? Let’s face it, anyone who actually had hopes they were ever gonna play after that first game was cancelled was smoking the wacky tobaccy. So hockey has taken another step back which really blows cause it’s a great game and the sooner the owners and players start treating it like that rather than trying to pretend it’s the NFL or MLB and a permanent staple of society, the better off hockey fans everywhere will be.

The Grammy’s were on last week. Did anyone watch them? To quote the Simpsons:

Homer:  Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?
Lisa:   You won a Grammy.
Homer:  I mean an award that's worth winning.

That’s about all I’ve got on that.

Speaking of award ceremonies, the Oscar’s are coming up in 2 weeks. I’m desperately rushing around trying to catch as many nominees as I can. I’ve got Ray, Sideways under my belt and am hoping to catch Million Dollar Baby this weekend and hopefully the Aviator soon too. I’ll catch Finding Neverland if I can cause I do want to see it but I can already tell that it has about as much a chance of winning as Notre Dame does of winning the Orange Bowl next year (but damn that was a great Boston College game basketball game, wasn’t it?). But I’ll probably have my pre-Oscar post the week beforehand to allow me to get as many movies in as I can. And I’m sure I’ll have a few rants to throw in there.

Speaking of rants, I’m going to try a new thing next week for my post. If you’ve ever been to www.televisionwithoutpity.com, it’s going to be something along those lines so I’m open to suggestions over which shows to do. Just make sure they’re not like Scrubs or Lost or shows that I like cause while I would enjoy to do something like that, I don’t think it’d be as funny which is really what I’m aiming for with this. I’ve already got one show lined up and I’d like at least two more so let’s hear it. Thanks go out to Erin for the suggestion of trying this.

Also I need to make a special note here. For those of you who caught my ‘Douglas’ reference in the chapter 7 of the latest strip, I would like to add a little note of gratitude to Ms. Erin Long for coming up with the idea for that panel. I had a notion of trying to use the reference before but couldn’t come up with how and she just nailed it and probably made it the funniest reference I’ve done so far. So thanks hon.

Alright, until next time:

“Dr. Cox...”
”Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'. “
”See ya.”

In My Plan We Are Beltless

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Mustard! Another week, another blog. Who’da thunk?

So Super Bowl XXXIX = boring! And I’m not even talking about the commercials or half time show. That had to be one of the sloppiest football games I’ve seen since the Notre Dame season ended. McNabb who I was touting high praise for came off as an amateur throwing 3 (really 4) interceptions and managed to show his ability to scramble a grand total of once. And that fearsome Pats’ offense seemed to be on autopilot as at least a fumble is more exciting than 3 and out for the first half of the game. And what the hell were the Eagles doing those last 6 minutes. You’re down by 10 and yet have been steadily moving down the field, maybe you should, I don't know, not go to the huddle every play! It’s called time management people! T.O. had a great game but don’t turn him into some sort of higher being. They played him safe, not giving him a lot of passes and every one he got was to the outside so he could get out of bounds and not take a huge hit.

The commercials… good gravy! Talk about uninspired. I know they have this whole FCC crackdown on salacious content but that doesn’t mean you have to completely screw the pooch on comedy. It’s like on the Simpsons when Homer gives up beer and sits confounded at a baseball game going “I never realized how boring this game really is”. And you’ll notice the only relatively funny ones were the dark comedy bits like the one with the guy and his cat in the kitchen or the “hold up” at the convenient store. We can’t have anything involving sex but violence… that’s just fine.

I didn’t have a problem with the halftime show. Granted I spent most of it trying to load the homestarrunner.com halftime show (which apparently half the web was trying to do cause it never loaded). But you know what, I’d rather have Paul McCartney come out and sing a couple good songs than have the usual ADD halftime where 4 or 5 pop stars come out and lip sync 30 seconds of a crappy song while some crazy dance choreography goes on and half the audience leaves for the restrooms. I also liked the stage setup with the video screens on the ramps.

But it was good company last night and while I have way too much pizza left over, I successfully managed to sneak in a martini during halftime. Line of the night goes to Courtney:

(While Alicia Keyes and School for the Deaf and Blind are doing America the Beautiful)
Erin: Well the deaf kids are at least signing America the Beautiful but what are the blind kids doing?
Courtney: They’re just standing there, looking around.

If you caught the Simpsons afterwards: They gave Comic Book Guy a name! No way! From now on he’s: Jeff Albertson. I like the fact that they threw that in there as a total nugget for the fans.

I also caught American Dad, the latest from Family Guy creator Seth McFarlene. I have to say, I wasn’t too impressed. There were a LOT of jokes that totally fell flat and it didn’t help that they basically have the same family dynamic as the Griffins. Also the lack of character development for half the cast didn’t help. I mean the goldfish had a brain transplant with a German skier? Ok… but they didn’t go any farther than that. Just hey, there’s a goldfish with a German accent. The alien has some potential to be pretty funny but I don’t know. The show could still develop. God knows anyone watching the first episode of the Simpsons wouldn’t have exactly been wowed. So who knows, I’ll give it a chance but at the point I’m much more looking forward to the return of the Family Guy May 1^st.

I’ve finished watching the Buffy Season 7 DVD and while I had seen the last episode before, it still was kinda sad knowing that’s the end of Buffy and there won’t be anymore seasons to look forward to being released on DVD. Even worse is that Season 5 of Angel comes out next week and that‘ll be the final season of the Buffyverse. Damn you WB!

The big move begins this upcoming weekend so I’m not sure how long my downtime will be with the blog and strip. Hopefully not too long but if no updates happen for a week or so… tough! You’ll get your updates when I’m damn good and ready to give them. Not that I’m bitter of course. I feel kinda special when I get people bugging me to update the strip. At least I know people are reading it. Ok, until next time gringos y gringas:

"What are you talking about? "
"Never mind, eat the fruit. "
"You know, this place almost looks like the Garden of Eden. "
"Eat the fruit. "
"Sounds quite like it too."

Hahaha! Mine is an evil laugh.

Hola mis lectores de la Mostaza. Well it’s been a long month but we’re pulling through to February. Good for us.

Crowley booted! I’m so proud! Though I have to say I’m a little let down. All the crazy partying the past two New Years, most everyone has gotten sick but yet Crowley remains steady. And then he just gives it up on some random weekend night. Next year Crowley, you’ll get yours at New Years. Mwa ha ha!

However I do have to thank Crowley for getting me hooked on Firefly, the cancelled Joss Whedon space TV series from 2 years back. I’m only 4 episodes in but the more I watch it, the more I marvel at how much better the hour and 20 minute pilot was than any of the Star Wars prequels. It was like, wow, you mean you can do a sci-fi series and actually have such things as character development? No way! It was suddenly like I was watching the original trilogy back when, you know, you actually gave a rat’s ass about the characters. I also love it cause it still has the full implemented sense of humor that both Buffy and Angel had injected into otherwise serious moments. It makes me sad to think that this show could’ve been huge if it had been marketed halfway competently and not hidden away on random nights of the week. But then again this is Fox. Wait, you’re telling me Fox doesn’t know how to properly market decent shows? Really? *cough* Family Guy *cough*.

Then again I guess I should be grateful. Huge DVD sales of the show convinced Fox to let Whedon do a full length movie of the show which will be in theaters in September. Angel was just unceremoniously cancelled to make way for such huge ratings cash cows as the Blue Collar Comedy tour and Drew Carey’s Green Screen and Summerland and The Mountain! What’s that? Drew Carey and The Mountain were both canceled? Summerland was a ratings loser who barely made it through a shortened summer season and the Blue Collar tour is now relegated to the useless 9:30 Friday night slot? Oh, well, I guess everyone makes mistakes, don’t they?

To quote the strip: Damn you, WB!

Ok, enough of the rant. But I do recommend checking out Firefly if you’re a fan of any of Whedon’s other work or if you’re a sci-fi fan who’s looking for something a hundred times better than the sci-fi series you’ll find currently on today or if you’re just someone who actually enjoys well written TV series which you won’t find much of on today’s shows.

After I gave them much shame, both Booter and Erin have updated their blogs. Ok, so maybe it had absolutely nothing to do with me but it makes me feel like a more important person to think that so let’s just go with that shall we?

I will be moving in the next couple weeks so if the blog posts or strip starts slowing down in a week or so, don’t fret. I’ll have them up and running as soon as possible. Very excited about the move cause it’ll be nice not to have to devote half a month’s salary to rent alone. And you know what that means…. MORE DVD’s!!! Just kidding. But not really.

Alright you of the pantalones enérgicos. Until next time:

If you take advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.