I look like Santa’s magic janitor.

So the Emmy nominations came out and I quickly realized there had to have been some mistake. After proudly announcing a new selection system that would be sure to give more shows a chance to be recognized, the Academy promptly went out and nominated the same shows it always does.

In my confusion I quickly dialed up the Academy to find out what happened:

Me: So how did that new selection system work out for you?

Academy: Oh terrific. It allowed us to continue to nominate the same old things, but we can pretend we tried a lot harder.

Me: Hey, wouldn’t be great if maybe some of the great work done by Lauren Graham was finally rewarded?

The Academy: Lauren who? Nah, we don’t know her, she sounds new and what’s new is weird and scary to us. Let’s nominate Stockard Channing. Wait, what’s that you say? Her show was canceled after 14 episodes? Eh, that doesn’t bother us. After all, we nominated Kevin James and he really hasn’t done quality acting in all eight years of the King of Queens.

Me: Well how about Kristen Bell and Veronica Mars?

Academy: Hell, no, that’s on UPN. We don’t award shows on UPN. That’s why we also didn’t nominate Everybody Hates Chris.

Me: You know, I hear that Donald Faison easily had one of the greatest season performances ever over on Scrubs not to mention that John C. McGinley has done as consistently good a job over the years as the aforementioned Lauren Graham?

Academy: Donald Faison? Wasn’t he the guy from Clueless? And John McGinley? Nah, not lovable enough. How bout that Jon Cryer and that Sean Hayes. Those guys are lovable. We can’t tell which is which but man oh man they bring a smile to our face.

Me: Aren’t you a little worried that next year you’re losing 4 of your nominees for Lead Actress in a Comedy?

Academy: Oh don’t worry, we’ve been scouring the ranks of the CBS sitcoms and we’ll have them ready to be plugged in come next year.

Me: Now, I’m a little confused here. Lost won best Drama series last year and this year it doesn’t even get nominated? And wasn’t the Sopranos supposed to be not nearly as good this year as in the past? And 24, though I dearly love the show, isn’t that the equivalent of nominating a Michael Bay movie for best picture?

Academy: Well, you don’t understand. The Sopranos has to be nominated every year, much like Will & Grace and the West Wing and all the shows in the past that have been nominated regardless of peaking and waning quality. And as for 24, Pearl Harbor was only the greatest movie ever! It’s a travesty it wasn’t nominated for an Oscar!

Me: How do you sleep with yourself at night?

Academy: On top of a big pile of money surrounded by many beautiful women.

You know what folks? I just don’t even know anymore. I’ll cheer for the Comedy Series race as Arrested Development, Scrub, the Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm go head to head but if Two and a Half Men win (why the hell is this nominated over Entourage? It's makes no goram sense!) I’m just going to officially declare the Emmys worthless. On a scale of 1 to 10 they are at .05 with how much I care mostly due to that category and Jeremy Piven’s nomination (I loved Will Arnett in AD but Jeremy Piven absolutely deserves to win). Normally I just don’t give that much of a rats ass but with the hype surrounding the new system I thought maybe some of the great shows would finally get recognized. I guess I also should’ve started believing in Leprechauns while I was at it.

Until next time:

“What the hell are we supposed to do with this crap? Make them laugh so hard they blow malt liquor out their noses?”
“No, I think you’ll have that covered when you storm the room in butterfly uniforms.”
“Oh ha ha ha ha ha. Nice onesie, Dick. Put snaps in the back so you can make poopie?”
“This is a speed suit, mister, not a onesie.”
“Fine. Maybe they’ll think you’re a three-year old with pyrexia and take pity on us.”