...Hippies

Normally I would never ever advocate supporting David Arquette... but this looks kind of amazing.



Plus come on, it's Thomas Jane!

Scariest Video Ever

And yes I hope someday someone makes a music video dedicated to me.

Yahoo launches lyrics site

How sad is it that it took the record companies this long to allow a major legal lyrics site?

http://music.yahoo.com/lyrics

I saved a life... my own. Am I a hero? I can’t really say, but yes.

Are you frakking kidding me? According the Washington Post, the FCC is now looking to expand their powers to include being able to regulate violence on television including cable. Says FCC Chairman Kevin Martin: “Parents are always the first and last line of defense in protecting their children, but legislation could give parents more tools. I think it would be better if the industry addressed this on its own, but we can also give parents help through regulation.” Yeah, you know what the only tool a parent needs is? The power button on the remote control. It’s a very simple equation: Don’t let your 8 year old son watch 24. Also don’t put a TV in your 8 year old sons bedroom. And finally raise your 8 year old son in such a way where he realizes the difference between fantasy and reality. I know this is a very tough thing to do but if we just put the effort in, perhaps we don’t need the FCC completely overstepping its bounds. But won’t someone please think of the children!?

Alright David Wright, the 26 game hit streak was awesome. Now let’s get that power hitting going again, what do you say? And who would guess that Moises Alou would end up with the 3^rd best batting average in the National League? Mets are in town this weekend. Giggity.

Caught Stranger Than Fiction on DVD. Good, not great. Though the Spoon soundtrack is excellent. The music works amazingly well as a score, even with the lyrics stripped. Was Queen Latifah even needed in the movie? Nothing against her, but her part is relatively minor and truth be told, completely unnecessary to the plot. Just seems strange to put someone as high profile as her in that role.

Also this kicks ass:

News and Notes:

Yeah, I’m so far behind in 24 it’s not even funny.

Beginning to have Veronica Mars withdrawal. Please CW, please pick it up next year.

The sad part about playing Trivial Pursuit is realizing that the only questions I’m good at getting are the music ones. Still damn proud of nailing the Mark Knopler one though. (Also if the term “punk rocker” is used, the answer is Sid Vicious. And if the question asks for a continent, 9 times out of 10 the answer is Antarctica.)

Until next time:

“Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned.”

“Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.”

“Ok, tell him that’s not true.”

“Dwight says that he actually doesn’t know one single fact about bear attacks.”

“Ok, no, Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run! Jim, tell him!”

“Andy... no it’s too far.”

“Damn you!”

There. No one liked my haircut so now they can all just suck it.

Mustard: it does get a kick out of champagne.

In video game console news, first quarter console sales came out and Nintendo beat the hell out of everyone with over 1 million Wiis sold. This was second only to the Nintendo DS with 1.2 million sold (and yet I don't know a single person who owns a DS). Sony's PS3 is selling piss poorly comparatively with only 500,000 sold. It was outsold by the PS2. Sony, in full damage control/BS mode, has claimed that this is due to supply shortages caused by the European launch. This would be a fine reason if not for the fact that you can walk into almost any electronics store these days and pick up a PS3 easily. Maybe Sony should just admit that they don't have a single game to justify a $600 console. And yes, the PS2 is a great, cheap console with loads of great games. But I don't remember the original XBox schooling the 360 in sales nearly 6 months after its launch.

Rome: could have been one of the best series finales EVER. Honestly, the last name on the written by credits could’ve been Whedon, Minear or Espenson and I wouldn’t have been surprised.

Have you ever tried Diet Mountain Dew? It tastes like the water left behind by the melted ice in a finished margarita. Only without the hint of alcohol that makes you want another.

Um…so where the hell is Prison Break going with this?

Rangers: From not making the playoffs to sweeping the 3^rd seed Thrashers? Why not?

Mets are looking good. Congrats to David Wright for breaking the Mets hit streak at 25 games and counting. Now let’s get some of that power back, what do you say? Also we need desperately to get someone other than Oliver Perez on our rotation. Wherefore art thou Pedro?

Wow, A-Rod isn’t just saying “I told you so” to last year’s detractors. He’s saying “I told you so, now go f#$% yourselves!”. Good for him.

Random week, no?

Until next time:

"God, I can't believe I'm getting my C-Section today."

"Did, uh, did you forget to tell anyone?"

"No, I told the nanny to stay overnight and my mom booked a flight for next week and I'm meeting the O.B. at the hospital in two hours."

"Ah-hem."

"Did I not tell you?"

"You did not."

"I could've sworn I texted you"

Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um, I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Mustard…with a vengeance.

So back from my little vacation to Italy and it was a fun mix of the old and new:

Old: Being an American high school student on a school trip to Italy
New: Wanted to inflict bodily harm on a multitude of American high school students on school trips to Italy.

Old: Going to a café in Rome.
New: Going to a café in Rome and being asked by a woman from Denmark what the current American market for Salmon was.

Old: Having pizza for dinner
New: Mistakenly ordering pizza for both dinner and appetizer (and eating both my shares might I add).

Old: Driving a car up mountain roads.
New: Driving a Fiat Punto up mountain roads while praying to the Almighty that the damn thing wouldn’t break down because the engine sounded like it was about to fall out of the hood.

So yeah, Italy was a helluva time.

So back to business:

Baseball season begins and though it doesn’t come close to making up for last years NLCS, the Mets 3 game sweeps of Cards gave me a little bit satisfaction. Now can their starting pitching survive the rest of the year? Can Pedro come back in July and make an impact? Man I hope so.

Hey people suddenly like A-Rod now that he’s doing well over the first 7 games. Can we please stop talking about the guy? It’s either he’s sucking or he never really sucked, just had a bad year/month/day whatever, time to move on!

Hot Fuzz: caught a sneak preview at the Arlington Drafthouse. See this movie. It’s by the guys who did Shaun of the Dead and it’s one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a really really long time. Also sweet was that Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost were onhand to answer questions. Really funny, cool guys despite the scary as all hell fanboys drooling all over themselves to ask questions, shake their hand, get and autograph and just become their bestest friend ever! Some people need lives. Desperately.

News and Notes:

So now the Rangers decide yeah, let’s play and made their way to the 6 spot in the East? Sure, why not?

How frak-tastic was that Nikki and Paulo episode of Lost? And ending that would’ve make Alfred Hitchcock Presents proud. (And yes, they’re dead per Mike Ausiello’s interview with Carlton Cuse).

Entourage made a brilliant return last weekend. The best episode of the year so far.

Until next time:

“Still no invite for me, huh?”

“Not from Vince. But we did receive an evite to Patrick Dempsey's house for running charades.”

Greatest...Reference...Ever

- penny arcade

I could never do one of these on the SNES

from bordom.net

And I'll get to sleep at night. The deep slumber of a father whose daughters aren't out being impregnated.

THIS….IS….MUSTARD!!!

Rant Time: The Today show this morning had a whole segment on people getting scammed on fake designer purses on eBay. No kidding. If you get offered a $20 Kate Spade bag on the street, do you expect it to be authentic? Then why would you expect anything different from a similarly ridiculously discounted bag online? Then they went on about how these devious counterfeiters are actually going and charging prices that are only $10 or so less then a regularly priced bag. If that’s the case why in the hell are you risking being scammed in order to save 10 bucks? Just pony up for the full price and buy it in a store. Then the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard come out of Meredith Vieira’s mouth (and that says a lot): “This is a big problem.” Excuse me? A big problem? The instability and political turmoil in the Middle East is a big problem. Continued human abuse cases throughout the world is a big problem. Fake designer bags are a frakking asinine problem for people who have too much time on their hands. If you need more money for designer purses why don’t you help out that diplomat from Nigeria? He won’t stop emailing me.

Speaking of madness: Notre Dame? Hello? Winthrop? Hey, at least the women’s team knows how to win. And I can still root for the hockey team.

In the most obvious news of the day: In addition to the ongoing steroid “scandal” that has listed such names as Jose Canseco, John Rocker and Evander Holyfield, 11 professional wrestlers are now being investigated. Randy Orton! Kurt Angle! Say it ain’t so! Have you ever seen these people? Or how they disappear for 2 months and suddenly come back having gained 40 pounds of muscle? So what’s next? An in-depth congressional look into WWE match fixing?

News and Notes:

I have all my Elite 8 teams still in! Woo! My wife is still winning the pool! Damnit!

Duke: hahahahahahaha!

Rangers: In/Out/In/Out/In, the hell is going on with this team?

Until next time:

“So, for kicks you read...”

“Feminist trash. You know. Woman finds her power, leaves her oppressive husband, discovers freedom and fulfillment with an artist who knows how to cry and make love like an animal.”

“So, sex books.”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

It's a St. Patrick's Day Miracle!

Per MSNBC.com:

"CBS on Thursday unveiled an agreement with YouTube, the online video site, to form a special web channel featuring clips and highlights from the annual "March Madness" college basketball tournament."

"Quincy Smith, president of CBS Interactive, said basketball fans would be posting tournament footage on YouTube in any case, and that the agreement reflected the media group's strategy to reach out to them rather than trying to discourage them."

A media company getting the fact that it can use the internet's most popular video sharing portal to increase it's market reach and consumer experience and even generate revenue? I think hell may have just frozen over.

A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that’s why so many other people in my class were kids…self-fulfilling prophecy.

Mustard: It’s still here.

So this update has just been forever in coming, hasn’t it? Anyways onto…

MADNESS!!! Of the March persuasion that is. Look I agree that Syracuse probably got a bum deal. But it’s just pathetic of a coach to bitch and moan about it because in the end if they had played better basketball they wouldn’t have had to worry about falling off the bubble. They’re in the ridiculously good Big East which already gets a ton of teams in so when you only win 22 games and get bounced in round 2 of the conference tourney, don’t expect to be a lock to make the tournament.

I still need to fill out the bracket but can the Irish beat Oregon in Rd. 2? Hmmmmm…

Oh and someone PLEASE, for all that is good and holy, stop showing pictures of Joakim Noah. I can’t knock his basketball ability but holy crap, this could be the ugliest man alive. And it’s not just the sweaty, basketball playing look. I’ve see him in person at the airport. He is that ugly. Someone give the man a razor or at least wax his upper lip. He’s the got the ugly mustache-like growth of a 6^th grader whose parents haven’t bought him an electric razor yet.

Ok, this is ridiculous, Tony Almeida gets shot in the neck and is able to make a full recovery by the end of the day. Morris gets a power drill bored into his back multiple times and just a few hours later is completely up and running with no signs of pain whatsoever. President Logan gets stabbed in the shoulder with a fruit paring knife and is at death’s door? Come on 24! I can suspend disbelief just fine but at least let’s keep it consistent.

So my latest movies: Zodiac and 300.

Zodiac is one of those movies like the Aviator. I really enjoyed it, it was a bit too long as it seemed the director couldn’t cut anything out, and had good strong performances. It’s not Fincher’s best by a long shot but it’s still a good movie.

I don’t understand a lot of these negative reviews of the 300. It’s a great movie for what it is and that is primarily an accurate conversion of a graphic novel to screen. It’s all about the visuals. People keep ripping on the plot being thin. Well no shit, the plot is supposed to incredibly simple: King Leonidas of Sparta leads 300 soldiers to hold off an invasion by the innumerable Persian army. The movie has a lot more dialogue than its source material. The look of the movie is outstanding. It’s visceral, stylized and innovative. My only knocks on the movie are that some of the scenes added to movie from Miller’s original work seem a little weak. And in one scene, for absolutely no reason, the film’s composer pulls a Scorpion King and just out of nowhere inserts a sequence of cheesy 90’s power chords that just left me wondering “where the hell did that come from”? I still have my doubts that anyone can pull off a successful Watchmen movie, but at least Snyder has earned himself a go at it.

News and Notes:

While most people are looking at College Hoops right now, hats off to the Notre Dame hockey team, finishing up the year ranked #1 in the country. Now on to the Frozen Four!

Are people really looking forward that much to a Grey’s Anatomy spinoff? Really?

I’m terrified of what the Mets pitching rotation is going to look like this year. They better hope their bats actually manage to improve (which is actually a distinct possibility).

Do I pick Kansas to go the distance? Decisions, decisions…

Until next time:

“Yeah, I don't see what's insane about not wanting spiders to lay eggs in my corn flakes. That's how Carla's mom died.”

“No it wasn't!”

“You're supposed to be my best friend!”

Ah Billy! After the Arctic and the Pacific, you're my favourite ocean.

Mustard: Who could ask for anything more?

So the Oscars have come and gone and the newest Best Picture is the Departed. Good for Scrorcese, I’m happy for him especially since he got his Best Director statue. I’ve yet to see the movie despite the fact that it’s been sitting on my coffee table for the past week but I’ll catch it soon enough.

Pan's Labyrinth totally got robbed. I love Little Miss Sunshine (go Alan Arkin!) but Original Screenplay completely deserved to go to Del Toro’s truly unique script. No real surprises other than Arkin’s win over Murray. And what the hell, Melissa Ethridge wins for Best Song? I’m still under the impression that unless the song is performed during the movie (ie not the end credits), it doesn’t deserve to be nominated. Otherwise it’s just a hastily written song (and 99% of the time complete crap) in an attempt to win an Oscar.

Speaking of Arkin, he’s just been cast as the Chief in the upcoming Get Smart movie. The cast of this movie is just mind blowing. Now just pray that the script is better than Tom Astle’s last effort, Failure to Launch, which was only notable for gracing the world with a naked Terry Bradshaw. I’m gonna go poke out my eyes now.

Venture Brothers is coming back! Season 3 and 4 have been greenlit according to the shows creators. Unfortunately, we won’t see a new season for possibly another year. What the hell people? I understand that since it’s a hand drawn show it takes much longer than the average adult swim show to create, but still, over a year? Boooo! Then again a big cheer for it coming back at all. Make way for the homo-superior!

News and Notes:

Alllllmost caught up on 24. My mini-marathon the other day has me hating hot shot, overly ambitious politicos everywhere. You’re putting the nation in danger, damnit!

So I just got into an old west style showdown in Zelda complete with bad guys going through saloon windows. I love this game.

Now it looks like the Rangers aren’t even making the playoffs this year. I hate sports.

Until next time:

“This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt, scotch.”

“Here is to Mr. Iacocca, and his failed experiment, the De Lorean.”

Dear Academy:

Thank you for giving the Best Actress to Helen Mirren. If you had given it to Meryl Streep, I may have had to pull a Grammys ban on you. Thank you for making this much much easier for all of us.

PS Watch out for Jennifer Hudson's boobs. They look like they could be trouble.

Hiya! My name is Bob Kelso and I like whores.

I got nothing but random Mustard:

I like Heroes and all but is anyone else praying that they kill Ando off? He’s officially surpassed the TV Stupidity Threshold and therefore is need of a good case of death. Also they need to watch out because quite frankly, unless they kill him off, Peter makes pretty much every other hero obsolete. He only need to be around someone once and can then permanently use their powers? While it makes for a cool scene (a la his smackdown with Isaac), he’s now officially more powerful than Sylar and that defeats the number one rule of superheroes: don’t have any one hero be stronger than the villain. Otherwise, why do you need the rest of them?

So how great was Whedon’s office episode? The last scene with Dwight chasing the bat around the kitchen had me rolling.

After tonight, there’s only one more Veronica Mars left before the CW puts it on a month long hiatus so it can broadcast a large pile of money being set on fire. Don’t cha?

I am so far behind in 24, I’ve probably missed three instances of Jack Bauer torturing someone and at least 589 usages of the word “damnit”.

It’s coming:

Zelda has slowly begun to consume my life. I’m ok with that.

Until next time:

“I am going to Europe, Richard. I am going to Europe, and I'm going to have a marvelous time. I'm going to get up at 10:00, and I'm going to have two glasses of wine at lunch every single day.”

“Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch!”

“Well then, buy me a boa and drive me to Reno, because I'm open for business!”

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps.

Dear Grammys:

This will be the last time we ever speak.

Go f$%# yourselves.

Most Sincerely,

Jeff

If you get a chance, read the Boondocks. Man that little kid hates honkies!

Mustard: Just bringing it.

And the Colts take it home. I’m so happy that I don’t have hear the Manning/Marino comparison anymore, I could cry a little. And it’s not like the Prince halftime show was bad, it’s just that who cares anymore? They need to do something different to get people to do anything other than pay marginal attention to an overblown musical production featuring artists that most people don’t care all that much about anymore. And no, throwing multiple artists up there doesn’t make it any better.

Joss Whedon is off Wonder Woman. I’ve got mixed emotions here. Yeah, it sucks that the guy spent 2 years writing the script, finally getting something down and then being told the studio didn’t like it. But on the other hand, Whedon is spread too damn thin as it is. He’s currently writing the best comic on the market in Astonishing X-men to the point where I will actually buy it when it comes out in full trade. He’s overseeing the Buffy “Season 8” comic that launches soon. And he’s taking over writing duties on Runaways this spring as well as the new horror flick Goners he’s writing and directing. And to be fair, Wonder Woman is not the amazing movie character people are making it out to be. It peaked with a campy late 70’s Linda Carter version and the character has pretty much languished in the 25 years afterwards. It’s a Golden Age of Comics character that hasn’t reached the iconic nature that’s kept Superman alive, nor been reinvented and evolved to fit into the modern day like Batman. I’ve no doubt Whedon could’ve put an interesting spin on the character and if anything it hurts that he lost a major studio picture but in the long run I don’t think it’s going to be a huge loss for anyone. Cept maybe Warners.

Speaking of which apparently Goyer is off The Flash now? I’m a big fan of Goyer’s writing if not his directing (despite certain peoples’ arguments, I thought the 3^rd Blade was pretty damn bad. Of course it didn’t help that Wesley Snipes was phoning it in from some place very far away). Add this to the new (and probably overblown) rumor that Joel Schumaker is looking to direct a Sandman movie and Warner apparently have lost their freaking minds. They do realize that the super-grossing James Cameron Aquaman was a fake movie right? They don’t actually have a ton of comic-based hits.

And no I still haven’t forgiven Akiva Goldsman for Batman & Robin.

News and Notes:

Wow, Steve Jobs making a statement on his blog today about DRM. Effing-A Steve.

Studio 60 we hardly knew ye. Apparently NBC is shelving it after sweeps. It’ll return now in April though this can’t possibly be a good sign for a Season 2.

I’ve yet to have someone over who doesn’t enjoy the bajeezus out of Wii Sports.

Until next time:

“Mr. Franklin, do you have a girlfriend?”

“I have a lovely wife, Deborah.”

“But don’t you have girlfriends in Paris? Like, a lot of them?”

“Ah, well, that is a gray area of my life.”

I miss Dwight. Congratulations universe, you win.

Who smokes the Mustard? We smoke the Mustard!

While I’m looking forward to the upcoming 300, if you really want to get your historical fix, tune into HBO’s Rome. It’s second season has continued to top it’s first season even without Ciarán Hinds excellent Julius Caesar. This show and Deadwood prove that HBO just can deliver quality programming with an attention to detail that surpasses anything you’ll ever find on network television (probably because there’s no way a network would put up the kind of money needed for these shows that aren’t going to find a mass audience.) Sure they’re doomed to short lifespans from the get go (This will be Rome’s final season and Deadwood only lasted 3 plus 2 HBO movies to finish the series off) but as British television has proved, sometimes a couple outstanding seasons at the top of your game is a better way to go then holding out too long leading to an inevitable decline (I’m looking at you Friends and ER).

Am I the only one dreading the Oscars for no other reason than Forrest Whittaker’s acceptance speech? Look, the man is going to win. He picked up the Golden Globe and the SAG award for his role in the Last King of Scotland. But did you see his speech during the Golden Globes? He hemmed and hawed and giggled and barely got anything out. I’m sure it was just a little camera shyness and maybe a little shock. But then he went out and did the exact same thing at the SAG awards! Forrest, please just write down your speech because it’s going to horribly awkward when the orchestra starts playing you off the stage on Oscar night and you haven’t even started your speech yet.

So I have yet to make up my mind completely about where the new Shins album falls in their catalog. It’s quite good but has some very different sounds thrown in there in addition to the traditional Shins numbers (Phantom Limb will get stuck in your head so quick you’ll hate that it took them so long to get this album out). Then again, I took me quite a few listens before I fell in love with Chutes Too Narrow and now it’s easily one of my favorite albums. There’s nothing wrong with having to work at an album a little before really appreciating its nuances. After a few more listens I’ll give my full review. In the meantime, don’t hesitate to pick it up. I mean come on, it’s a new Shins album. How else are you gonna get My Humps out of your head?

News and Notes:

Hey Studio 60, the getting locked on the roof gag? Lame!

How freakin’ hilarious was last night’s Scrubs? “You shall be called Slagathor.”

I think it’s safe to say that the Prince halftime show is going to be completely tuned out.

Oh what the hell, Go Colts!

Until next time:

“So what… You’re just going to mope around like the guy in… What’s that book when the guy’s mom dies and he comes back to Jersey? And he’s got that motorcycle sidecar?

“Garden State was never a book.”

“It wasn’t? Oops. So much for that paper.”

I don't even know what that means.

I just couldn't resist:

Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do! We doooooooooo!

It’s pretty incredible but I don’t hate the Academy right now. Never thought I’d actually say it. But the Oscar noms just came out and all in all it’s not too shabby.

High Points:

Little Miss Sunshine getting a lot of love. Best Picture, Original Screenplay, Supporting Actor for Alan Arkin (too bad they can’t show his best scene in the movie: “F#$% a lot of women kid, not just one woman, a lot of women”), and Supporting Actress for Abigail Breslin (who has officially become the “IT” young Hollywood actor).

Also a lot of love for Pan’s Labyrinth which is awesome considering its foreign heritage. Based on who it’s up against I think it has a real (and very deserved shot) at Cinematography, Best Foreign Language Film and hopefully Score.

Good for the Academy for recognizing some of the lesser known performances which don’t get the hype to make the Golden Globes (Ryan Gosling, Jackie Earle Hickey).

Martin Scorcese – The Quest Continues…

Low Points:

Look, I know as far as the movie goes, The Fountain pretty much served to confuse the hell out of people but there is no denying that from an artistic standpoint it was one of the prettiest pictures of the year. So no Cinematography? No Art Direction? That it didn’t get a nom for Best Score is completely ridiculous. Ditto Visual Effects (see below). And come on, Original Screenplay?

Since when did Visual Effects turn into let’s validate summer movies by giving them a chance for an Oscar. That Poseidon actually got nominated for an Oscar makes me want to cry just a little bit.

Meryl F%$#ing Streep.

But overall, I’m really looking forward to this Oscar night. And hey, I’m already 1/5 with seeing Best Picture Noms. Go me!

It all started, with a penny in the door. There was a hatred, I had never felt before.

I want Mustard!

I can’t tell you how happy I am to not have to see a Bears/Pats Superbowl. What a Pats/Colts game, eh? I still can’t believe it didn’t come down to a Vinateri field goal as time expired but I’ll take the last minute drive by Manning.

TV is starting to rev back up after the winter hiatus. HBO in particular has been busy with Rome back for its final season and it’s lost none of the violence. Ricky Gervais’ Extras is also back and it’s first two episode featured an Orlando Bloom displaying a whole lot of jealous animosity toward Johnny Depp (“Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker!”) and one of the funniest scenes on TV this year with David Bowie being inspired for an impromptu song by Gervais’ depressing feelings of selling out.

Oh and to the CW: F%#$ YOU! Are you freaking kidding me? You’re cutting Veronica Mars’ season short and putting an 8 week gap after sweeps to put on “Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll”?!?! I hope whoever green lit this worthless waste of time and money comes down with a scorching case of herpes, I really do. Ricky Bobby is putting that voodoo on you.

But you know what? If they don’t renew either Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls for next year, I’ll finally be able to not worry about tuning into the CW.

News and Notes:

How great was that Scrubs episode? The only downside is that I think “Guy Love” was the best song and I had already seen it. Still was pretty damn funny.

This is a little old but: Joss Whedon is directing an episode of the Office this year. I’m so happy. The episode should be airing sometime next month. (Also look for an episode directed by J.J. Abrams. Man, everyone wants a piece of the Office these days).

New Shins this week!

Adios Tuna.

Until next time:

“You've seen Star Trek: The Next Generation have you?”

“I haven't no.”

“Why your wife won't let you have it on, is it?”

“I'm not married.”

“Oh, your girlfriend then?”

“I haven't got a girlfriend, I live alone.”

“You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend and you never watch Star Trek?”

“No.”

“Good lord."